Hi there. As you may be able to tell from the title, this isn’t going to be a particularly positive post. I’m not usually one for trigger warnings but I completely understand and respect why some people feel they’re important. Therefore if you are someone who might be distressed by talk of suicide or self-harm, I would probably skip this post. But please do come back – here is a website of funny pug pictures to make up for the inconvenience.
Now, my current predicament is that I am unable to place how I feel. I’m sad. I’m low. I feel empty. But I’m numb at the same time. Let it be known that I do not like this feeling. Just a moment ago, as I threw my paintbrush at the wall in frustration, I contemplated the idea of my own death. I closed my eyes and put my forehead to the table, and when I looked up again I found myself searching the room for anything that I could use or that could inflict pain. I know now that doing things like this is part of self-harming, but until recently I never considered myself in that category.
‘Sure, I’m depressed and have suicidal tendencies from time to time, who doesn’t! I mean at least I don’t cut my wrists and all that wild stuff so it’s all fine right?… guys?’
Little did I know that acts such as digging my nails into my skin, or stabbing myself in the thigh with pens (a personal favourite) were all types of self-harm. Funnily enough – well, it wasn’t very amusing at the time – I eventually did end up using cutting as a coping mechanism and it’s something I’m still struggling with now. What changed is I basically think I reached such a low point with myself that suddenly it all made so much sense. I didn’t acknowledge the other acts as self harm but in no uncertain terms I knew that this was. But it didn’t matter anymore, because I needed it. I needed it to cope with all the negative thoughts and emotions I was experiencing.
‘Job interview tomorrow? Well, I know I’ve been thinking about killing myself, but if I do then I’ll miss the interview and everyone will think I’m an inconsiderate bum and my family and friends will hate me. No, I should stay. But instead I’ll do something else to create a new pain and distract myself. Yes, that makes sense. *searches for coat to go and buy bad things from tesco*’
It’s strange and almost humorous typing that out, because like most things in my head it seems like a perfectly logical thought process until I’m forced to look at it more objectively. But I can’t stress how much being in the moment it all makes sense. And when you’re fighting against the urge to take your own life, suddenly a ‘smaller’ act like cutting yourself becomes the coping mechanism you desperately need right now. Nonetheless, part of me wondered if my numb feeling was some sort of side effect of Mirtazapine. After all, while taking Sertraline I was thinking and feeling all sorts of crazy things. So I had a glance over a little leaflet thingy on Mirtazapine given to me by a Psychiatrist. I would like to point out that I strongly suspect this is a biased information sheet because in some parts it almost makes taking antidepressants sound fun. But after further research I doubt this mood has much to do with the medication. Which makes me more sad, because that would have been more straightforward at least.
Therefore in an attempt to keep distracting myself where art has failed, I’m going to look up psychological theories around this and see what I come up with. Be right back – hopefully with more pugs.